Friday, May 31, 2013

My dear JH

My dear boy,

You have grown so fast suddenly I realise you are no longer my little boy anymore. Suddenly you no longer have to tiptoe to reach for things on the table and suddenly your clothes and shoes doesn't fit anymore.

You are molding your personality and I can see you inherit the positive outgoing friendly trait from your father and the stubborn -ness from me.

I was fetching you from home few days ago and you saw one of your classmate ahead of you. You rushed up to him happily and wanted to play with him. Alas the little boy didn't wanna play with you and push u away a few times. He ran off leaving you behind as you look at me and pointed at him, crying away. He ran off without turning back.

At that moment, I looked at you and I realize this is one of life's experience that mummy has no control over. Rejection.

My heart ached as I watched you sobbed away unable to understand why he doesn't wanna play with you. You may be too young to understand the meaning of rejection yet you already experience what rejection does to you. Life will never be what you want. Just as your father once said: if everyone treat each another equally, then there won't be any war.

Of course that doesn't mean you have to take on a negative perspective of it. Your life will be what you make out of it. You have your father's positivity and natural easy-going style. So make the best out of it and let it bring joy and hope to your life. I hope you will hang on to that trait for the whole of your lifetime and never let it slip by you no matter how hard life gets you down.

Rejection is a fear that follows mummy like a shadow. It let mummy lose opportunity to make new friends and even maintain lasting friendship. So I hope u wont be like me. It's okie to get upset and cry when you suffer a rejection. But you must learn to get over it and not be afraid to try again. Mummy is still trying to learn this. Hope this will be an inspiration to you if life ever gets you down and you need a pep talk.

Mummy will always be with you even if the world turns against you. Don't ever forget that.

Signing off..

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Mummy's Milstone

I am proud to say I have survive through being a SAHM to my two boys for a year. JH is now three and JX has finally bid farewell to his infant hood and catching up with his Gor Gor into toddlerhood.
Of course there are still moments of me turning into a green angry monster to the kids and husband but I know the frequency are alot lesser as compared to a year ago.
A year ago was the most difficult and challenging moment of my life. It was a moment when I felt the world has collapsed on me and things that used to rely on are gone. It was an extremely emotional and depressing period but I'm glad I came out of it for the sake of my kids and became stronger. Couldn't have made it without the support and patient husband who has been there to endure my endless outburst.

To RW: thanks for struggling with me throughout these one year. We finally made it on our own. This is truly the beginning of us learning to manage a marriage life now. Love you lots and don't ever forget the 5 language of Love.
Today is the last weekday that I get to spend with JX alone. I have been the closest person has since his birth and soon he's gonna learn to trust another stranger. A skill he has to acquire at a much younger age than his Gor Gor.
They say "The finest steel has to go through the hottest fire". Now I finally had a taste of what that means. Learning to cope with the two boys on my own has really push myself beyond a limit that I never know I can.
Screw those who dare to tell me what I'm doing is nothing since JH is in childcare the whole day and I only have to manage both of them in the evening time.
Screw those who tells me they don't understand why I don't have time to rest just because I have a part time cleaner.
Part of me feels at a lost knowing JX is going infant care soon. Yet Some parts of me are screaming for attention for my other self which left hidden was long forgotten. There were days of frustration as i tell myself i cant wait for him to go infant care. I have delayed his infant care for half a year as I couldn't bear to enroll him when he was still so young. Now the time has come and I know I have to do it. Come Monday, JX and I would have to learn to create another bond and let go of this special relationship that we shared for this one year. I know I will definitely shed a tear or two when I finally have to leave him alone there. JX will properly be crying loudly for me too as he watched me leave. But it will get better as days and weeks goes by.
Not looking forward to them getting sick more often but can't be help. It's one of the price to pay for when they are in childcare.

For now. I shall try to enjoy this last weekday I have with my baby before it will be shared with others.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Mummy's milestone

Monday, April 1, 2013

Oops I had it again.. But this time with a dose of sunshine

I have been breastfeeding JX for 10 months.. and I would never thought the nightmare that every breastfeeding mothers out where are most afraid of would sneakily come back to me again..

It came back just when I was at my worst.. JH and JX sick.. me not having enough rest day and night.. daytime busy taking care of cranky JH who is not feeding nor latching well and night time again JX cranky.. Me trying to stay upbeat for JH to cheer him up despite him feeling lethergy and giving me as much hugs as I can with JX clinging onto my pants as I do that..

The past weeks left me utterly drained and the last thing I thought was myself.  And the nightmare saw that as the perfect opportuntiy to come looking for me.  I felt the painful lump yesterday when I woke up.  The familiar pain that had struck me 9 months ago in June 2012 left me in tears and slight depression.  I can't believe I let the monster creep back into my life again!  Oh shit.. I should have known... all the time when my breast still feels heavy after JX latch on were signs telling me he didn't empty my breast completely and I should have express out the milk.. Sigh.. no point crying over spilled milk.

I started feeling feverish and chills and I knew its gonna get worse.  I quickly did what I had to do and only pray to God its not too late.  By yesterday evening,  I wasn't getting better and feared its gonna be like the previous time.  I quickly make my way to the 24hrs clinic at night leaving Mr Lim alone with the kids only to find the bloody clinic CLOSED!!  It was too late to go to another clinic as its near the kid's sleeping time.  I just have to wait till tomorrow and drag myself out with JX to see dr and get myself covered with antibiotics asap..

When I came back home.  It was all quiet and I knew Mr Lim must be coaxing JX to sleep.  I was surprise to see JH sitting alone in the living room quietly and when he saw me.. he said:

JH:  mama.. see dr already?
I was very surprise to hear him saying that as I only briefly told him I wasn't feeling well and is going to see dr.

Me: mama didn't see dr because the dr go home already.. where is papa?

JH: papa..Di Di sleep..

I was very touched when I heard that.  It suddenly dawned onto me that my little boy has grown up.. to be a sensible and caring boy.  He is aware that his di di needs to sleep hence the need to stay quiet in the living room while Mr Lim coaxed baby JX to sleep.  He is aware and remembers that I was not feeling well and even asked me if I have seen the doctor the first thing he saw me.  Its such a short yet powerful and enriching conversation that makes a lasting impact on me even till now as I typed this out on this blog.  I felt that this is definitely one of the few conversation and moment I would like to remeber.

Even as now.. the painful lump on my breast is not resolved yet.  I managed to see the same dr who saw me few weeks ago for antibiotics because I sustained a nasty infected nipple wound after JX accidentially bite on me so she was surprise to see me again today for breast problem requiring antibiotics again.  I also get a last min appointment to see the lactation nurse to help me massage and unclog some of the lumps.  It was another painful yet fruitful session.  But hey.. I just keep telling myself it has to be done or else its gonna get worse like the previous time.

The difference is this time round I think I manage it catch the monster in the bud before it create more destructible nightmare for me.  This time round I didn't cry like I did during the visit with the lactation nurse.  This time round, I think Im feeling more optimistic about this painful lump unlike the previous time all tears and blues.  This time round I think I am stronger because I know I can and will overcome this painful lump.
I also know this time round, I got three people with me telling me they love me should I need to shed a tear.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Free pruning Xmas Tree!!

JH is offering free pruning of Xmas tree!!

Armed with his trusty all purpose scissors and a stool, he's all ready to help you prune even the tallest Xmas tree!

The boy is sure taking his job seriously.. Meticulously trimming off excess leave haha..

"Up there too.. Mama u see.. Cut cut cut..."

"Mama see.. JH do.."

So does anyone need to prune their Xmas tree?

Friday, November 16, 2012

My baby's Smell

Having a second child has given me a chance to relearn and somehow enjoy some moments that I have forgotten as JH grows older.

I have lost and found my baby smell. It was lost when JH turns two.. Somehow it was replace with the smell of perspiration mixed with powder with hint of any remaining shampoo or shower soap smell.

I remember fondly I used to love placing my nose to smell the temporal part of his hair that is the hair above the ear when I carry him.. I would inhale deeply and silently with all my might like an opium addict.. Then I will close my eyes as my mind process the smell to recharge my soul..

Then when I got pregnant with JX. I was surprised that I became repelled by his smell. I would gag when I do my secret routine on him.. It's really funny how hormonal changes can change someone's perceptions of things..
Then slowly I forgot all about baby smell even when JX was born.

It was such a stressful period that I forgot to find back my baby smell. It was sad that I also forgot to smell my baby. But as luck would have it.. Somehow it comes looking back for me..

It was one of JX's pyjamas that he had worn the previous night and I had forgotten to put it in the laundry bucket and left it on the bed.

When I saw the pyjamas on the bed, my first instinct was "dirty anot?" and immediately used my nose to find out.

The scent of JX's pyjamas left me standing there for few seconds. Me holding on to his pyjamas with both hands and staring in blank space. The scent had jotted my brain to recall a smell I enjoyed so much and long forgotten.. A smell that is so special that only a sweet baby possess. Yes.. It's my baby's smell..

I couldn't bear to throw his pyjamas to wash.. I just keep smelling it and trying to memorize the smell in case it ever goes away again... I wish someone can invent a device or something that can preserve scent. I would love to preserve my baby's scent so I can sniff it for years to come.

Baby's smell leaves me feeling secure and gives me a instant euphoria effect. But I'm sure to others it's just powder and smell of perspiration. I guess when you are a Mummy, everything about your baby is sweet and nice..

Now I smell my JX every waking moment. I also smell JH every now and then as my motherly gesture.. Inhaling his 汗臭味 haha.. Reminding myself that he's no longer a baby but growing up to a boy with a mind of his own..

Meanwhile I still have one and half years more left to enjoy my baby smell before its gone too..

Friday, October 26, 2012

My last night

Tonight shall be the very last time I'm spending my night in the house which has become my home for the past 6 years. I have been so busy packing the house I hardly have the time to focus on my thoughts and feelings of leaving this house.. For good..

Coming back from the short trip to USS seems like a hit in face as days just flew by so fast. By the time we came back yesterday, I'm only left with 2 more days in the house.

Today the feeling of sadness and emptiness slowly crept up behind me as I start seeing the house getting emptier. Still have not finish packing all the stuff.. But it's time to rest or else I won't have the energy tomorrow to handle the kids and moving house.

I'm feeling quite hollow and void.. Hmm not sure if that's a proper way of describing my feelings now.. I guess there's just too much things to do I forgot to focus on my emotions. I guess it's gonna hit me hard when the fact finally sink in that I'm really leaving this house for good. That for once.. The keys that I always use to open the door does not belong to me anymore. That the new owner are sure to tear down every customize features in the house that I treasure so much... That if I ever drive past this blk, will I still remember how the original state of this place looks like? Will JH remember how he loves to gaze at the stars through the full length window? Will he miss using the platform as his stage to sing and dance? Will JX get a chance to do what his gor gor did?

I guess I won't have the time to think of all these tomorrow.. Maybe i will on Tuesday after we officially hand over the keys. Maybe I will start to think of this place by this time tomorrow..

I just hope I won't be a cry baby and start crying...

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

USS.. Sesame Street!!

I'm enjoying myself the kids at universal studio! Finally had a chance to watch the Sesame Street performing at New York Library up close and personal!! Best thing was to take photos with the mascots!!

Erm I think I enjoyed more than JH though.. He seems dazzled by the the buzz and excitement.. Bb JX is cool as a cucumber since he's still too young to enjoy all the stuffs..

Well I definitely be bringing the kids here again when they are older to enjoy the rides!